In the Inspirational Class š¬ today we will talk about directing my life āØš I have a confession to make. I am all. I am nothing.
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Ā© Cantibeall and Cantibeall.com, 2015-2021. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this siteās author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Cantibeall and Cantibeall.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Today I wanna make a confession about how I was. Or am I still like this?
Iām always afraid things will end. I know that nothing is fixed, nothing is permanent and everything is changing. Stories coming to an end is inevitable. Yet. I donāt know when stories end. Sometimes I get stuck in the middle of two different stories. Or maybe Iām just stuck in the middle no stories. Just stuck. Stuck in a beginning. Stuck at the end. Stuck between the end and the beginning. The end and the end. The beginning and the beginning.
Iām afraid Iām just the audience of my own movie. Watching and reacting to it accordingly. Not taking actions. Just watching. Or maybe iām just in a supporting role. Iām waiting in line, Iām waiting my chance, my big break so I can finally be the leading actor of my own TV show. But the lights go down, the audience is gone, my colleagues start removing their make up and Iām still standing there. Alone. Trying to grasp my chance to say my lines. But my chance never comes.
I can be scared of what people might think of me. What they will say about my performance. I want to please them. I want people to hear what they want to hear. I donāt wanna say something that will not please them. Imagine the trouble! Having to explain myself and all the situations. So I just stay at home. I stay there directing my own play. Iām the director, the actor, the audience. This way, I canāt get hurt. I play for myself. I laugh alone at my dramatic comedy film.
Dealing with reality sometimes makes me so weak. I can barely get up and start making my morning tea. Iām not only scared. Iām hurt. I can get hurt if people donāt listen or donāt understand what I have to say. So what do I do? I whisper. I turn down the volume of my own voice and I whisper the script that was written by me. The audience doesnāt hear me, they donāt understand me, so they donāt applaud.
I get upset and angry at myself, I let the feelings control my thoughts, my acts. I let the feelings control the perception I have of life. All the thoughts that arise I let the habit of identifying myself with them perpetuate. Today I donāt have the strength or energy to keep distance from that habit, I donāt have strength to keep that habit away.
So I meditate. Iām there, waiting for the boundaries to dissolve. Meditating for once again feel the formless of the world. And I wait. I breathe. I try my green tea. I want my green tea to taste like green tea, but today my green tea is bitter. I had no control on the steeping time. I steeped for too long.
Ā© Cantibeall and Cantibeall.com, 2015-2021. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this siteās author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Cantibeall and Cantibeall.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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